Author: Louise

Your values reflect the essence of what is important to you.

~ Louise ~ 2 Comments

In essence, values are all about being the person you want to be.

Clay Cook

 

Watching Andy Murray beat Kevin Anderson at the 2015 Miami Open, thus chalking up his 500th career win, led me to thinking that achievement and strength must be two values that Andy holds dear. Our values are principles that define who we are and how we act; it stands to reason that to succeed at the top levels in sport you would need to attach importance to building strength and aiming high.

J.K. Rowling has generously donated to charity and has also been willing to pay her fair share of tax. We can surmise from her actions that Ms Rowling, President of the single-parent family charity, Gingerbread, and an advocate for social equity, values ethics alongside charity. As a writer, it could be assumed that creativity is another of Jo Rowling’s values.

After winning the Queens Club tennis tournament in 2013, Andy Murray donated his prize money to the Royal Marsden Hospital where Ross Hutchins, his best friend, was receiving cancer treatment; thus Andy would also appear to value charity. Jo Rowling has spoken about her experience as a single-parent dependent on welfare benefits; both Andy and Jo can therefore be seen to choose to align themselves with values influenced by incidents from their lives, as well as holding values that are intrinsic to themselves.

We don’t have to look too far to find examples of people who could be said to demonstrate questionable values. What, I wonder, does Fred Goodwin, the disgraced ex-banker accused of being instrumental in the financial crash of 2008/09, esteem? Ditto Katie Hopkins, presenting herself as the archetypal pantomime villain; her sole reason for being seems to be to cause offence and inflict her mean-spirited opinions on everyone. Outwardly, these two people live well-to-do lives; scratch the surface, however, and I’m not convinced many of us would envy what we find there.

Values are part of our essence, reflecting who we are and what we stand for. If you are unhappy and/or unmotivated then it is possible you operate from a value system that you either:

a) Adopted from those who influenced your early years.

Or

b) Abide by in order to comply with society/culture etc.

Parents, with the best of intentions, often try to inculcate their offspring with their values. My dad, who had a working-class upbringing in the 1930s/40s and wasn’t afforded the educational opportunities available in later decades, valued education and learning. He tried to impose his values on me before I was ready to embrace them; it was only as I grew older that I came to cherish these values for myself. And as much as I would love my son to appreciate learning as I now do, I leave it to him to make his own choices.

The media can implant values in us that aren’t congruent with who we want to be. Advertisements seem to me to be an example of this; for instance, innumerable commercials promoting cosmetics suggest that youth and beauty are highly prized. For me, there’s a huge difference between remaining young-at-heart and clinging on to a youthful appearance at all cost. I can’t say that I relish the thought of acquiring (more!) wrinkles, but there’s no point in resisting a natural process that, ultimately, none of us can escape, no matter how much money we spend on the latest ‘anti-aging’ product.

It is essential to clarify your own values if you want to live a meaningful life. One way to establish this is to ask:

What is really important to me?

My answer includes fairness, justice and equality; it’s what motivates me to help others get the best out of themselves. These values also drive me to write the memoir that will go some way to redressing the balance regarding injustices I was subjected to in the past.

It occurs to me that the stories we live can help us to identify our values. The predominant story of the past twelve years of my life has emphasised how much I value freedom, and not just on a physical level. Yes, I had to actually escape from an abusive relationship; however I have also worked hard to free myself from the emotional and mental bonds that contributed to, and followed on from, my physical captivity. My reward for carrying out this work is inner peace and contentment which, in my book, is invaluable.

Knowing what your values are can also transform mundane daily activities. For example, I’ve heard people complain that motherhood can be a thankless undertaking. Not just because of my experiences, motherhood ranks high on my list of values. However, the repetitive tasks associated with being a parent can become tedious – until you view them from the perspective of loving and caring for your child. This was brought home to me once when I was grudgingly ironing my son’s school trousers; an old friend’s seventeen-year old daughter had recently died in a car accident and I realised that my friend would give anything to be performing this, or any, humdrum task for her daughter.

Who do you want to be, and be known as?

Think about times when you’ve felt happy, proud or fulfilled: can you work out what your top ten values might be based on what was happening at these times? We can also deduce our values from the mistakes that we make.

If you can define your values and apply them to who you are and what you do, you will essentially be doing what matters most to you. In this way, you will create a meaningful story for yourself, and you can’t put a price on that.

Character adds to the essence of a person.

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You are essentially who you create yourself to be and all that occurs in your life is the result of your own making.

Stephen Richards

 

Referring to someone as a ‘character’ can be a compliment or an insult. Whether we are blessing or cursing these individuals, one thing is certain: a ‘character’ is someone who stands out.

The Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, declared that ‘A man’s character is his fate’, and we are not surprised when someone we consider to be of dubious character acts in a corrupt way. For example, the detective investigating the allegations against my abuser acted, at the very least, in an unorthodox manner and I had no faith in him. It came as no shock to me, then, when I discovered five years ago that he had been found guilty of perverting the course of justice and sent to prison.

Similarly, individuals who behave with integrity and diligence deservedly reap the rewards. I see tennis player Andy Murray as an example of this type of person. Andy works hard to achieve the results he desires and has two Grand slam titles, an Olympic Gold Medal and numerous other titles to show for his efforts.

Anne Frank surmised that the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands: we can create our own character in much the same way as a writer creates a fictional character, choosing the traits and behaviours that we want to exemplify. It is not uncommon for writers to complete detailed character sketches for their protagonists (and antagonists) in order to add depth and substance to their creations. Details, alongside the obvious such as occupation and physical appearance, include:

  • Family background and family relationships.
  • Attitudes (to religion, for example).
  • Favourite pastimes, hobbies, sports, food, film and television programmes.
  • Positive and negative personality traits.
  • How other people see him / her
  • Ambitions and world view / philosophy on life.
  • Turns of phrase and unique vocabulary.

Attributing such details fleshes out a character and brings them to life. As an experiment, some time ago I tried completing one of these character sketches in relation to myself. For my first attempt I described myself exactly how I saw myself at the time. The result was less than inspiring. For example I wrote ‘would-be coach and writer’ as my job, and ‘I have no idea how others see me. Possibly as a bit weak and feeble? Or they see my potential but recognise my fear’.

A few months later I revisited the exercise and decided to rewrite my character sketch as the person I aspire to be. The difference was significant; particularly given that I made sure my aspirations were realistic and achievable. The ‘new and improved’ me was a more rounded, vibrant character whose shoes I felt motivated stepping into. I make a habit of referring to my upgraded image of myself whenever I’m feeling unenthusiastic or discouraged. It reminds me that I can be whoever it is in my power to be and so gives me a boost when I need one.

Choosing to embody an enhanced version of me, rather than settling for a limited self-view illustrates E.M. Forster’s assertion, in Aspects of the Novel, that characters can be either flat or round. Forster maintains that flat people are not in themselves as big achievements as round ones. A serious or tragic flat character is apt to be a bore. This could be said to be true of real as well as fictional characters.

Forster also writes that both the inner and outer lives of fictional characters can be depicted by the writer. In this way, Forster suggests, we come to understand people in novels more completely than we do our own friends and family members. Perhaps this explains their appeal, for as Alexander McCall Smith has pointed out, fictional characters can seem very real to their readers, and even become part of their lives.

Could it be that in the same way a fictional character seems real the more we know about him or her, we, too, become more fully realised human beings the more we know and understand ourselves? This comes back to the philosophical maxim Know Thyself.

I wonder, too: does our investment in, and identification with, fictional characters point to an unconscious desire to be fully known for who we really are? Others can’t possibly know the real you unless you know yourself, and the best way to know yourself is for you to determine who you are.

Who we are changes throughout our lives; our experiences change us, sometimes dramatically. The formation of character is thus a process of discovery and rediscovery. We can reinvent our own character whenever we feel the need to. Indeed, as we pass through each stage of our lives it may be advisable. Actress Jacqueline Bisset, who at 69 is still considered a beauty (without recourse to botox or ‘fillers’), says:

Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.

Try putting character into your character! It will stand you in good stead on physical and emotional levels and therefore enhance your life.

In essence, intuition requires being open and listening for what you know is true for you.

~ Louise ~ 1 Comment

Intuitive knowing is the essential ingredient to expanding your awareness and consciousness on the road to a life that will satisfy you.

Laura Berman Fortgang

 

What if you had access to a reliable advisor who always has your best interest at heart? You have: your intuition is an underappreciated and underused human competence, a subtle yet supportive guide that will not lead you astray.

Too much emphasis has been placed on the importance of left-brain proficiencies such as logic and rationality. These are desirable, but so too are right-brain skills, such as intuition, imagination and creativity, which are required to ensure that we don’t lose touch with our humanity and possibly even our sanity.

Reading through old journal entries as I write a memoir, I realise how integral intuition was to my recovery from trauma. Emotionally devastated, faced with almost daily demands for repayment of debt I had been coerced into, and with no means of meeting those demands, I paid attention to my body’s (and mind’s) need for peace and quiet. I balanced communication with my creditors with frequent trips to the nearby coast. A journal entry from 3rd August, 2003, contains the sentence: I’m relieved that my head is still in one piece and it’s all down to sun, sea, sand and sea-breezes. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered how research has proved the healing benefit of spending time in nature; somehow I just knew what I needed.

Over the years I have learned to trust what can be described as ‘gut reactions’ or ‘hunches’, and the more I do so, the more reliable they become. Going with the certainty that I need to act in a particular way, or go to a particular place, have led to meaningful coincidences – what Jung called ‘synchronicities’ – occurring in my life. One example I can think of is a time when I had an unmistakable urge to go a local second-hand book shop; scrutinising the shelves there I discovered an out-of-print book I had wanted for some time. On another occasion I went with an impulse to take a particular route through the town centre and bumped into an old friend I’d lost touch with.

There is so much information available at the touch of a keypad nowadays; we can often become swamped by data. Learning to tune into and trust your own inner knowledge can be the difference between making an informed, empowered decision that is in your own best interest or being pulled off course by external influences.

Developing your intuition takes practice but it is worth the effort. The first step to tuning in to your inner knowing is to unplug yourself from your laptop, smartphone, iPad etc. Technology is a wonderful thing as long as it doesn’t rule your life; when you are constantly connected to a gadget, you are disconnected from your inner self and your focus is in the wrong place. Intuition needs you to pay attention to what you’re feeling so that the answers you seek can make themselves known to you. Writing questions and intending to receive intuitive answers can help you keep track of your intuitions. As you find yourself trusting the insights you receive, your intuition becomes stronger.

Intuition will not suggest that you put yourself, or anyone else, in harm’s way. Inner prompts you receive that elicit anything other than a ‘yes’ response in you are more likely to be subconscious fears than intuition. Acting on intuitive intelligence relieves rather than increases pressure; it engenders a sense of being in the flow of life. To-do lists are helpful, even necessary, although I find my days are more productive and satisfying when I choose items from mine that I’m feeling an inner compulsion to complete. This strategy, strangely, also seems to stretch time for me. Having said that, there are times, like it or not, when you have to attend to the more mundane tasks on your list.

Maintain openness to the ideas and inspirations that your intuition wants to share with you and act on those that you sense are leading you in the direction you want to go; you’ll find it a revelatory, fulfilling and liberating exercise. It comes back to the essential principle of you knowing what’s best for you. I believe that we all have an inner drive to achieve our potential; if we practice being still and listening, our internal compass is primed and ready to show us opportunities that can only enhance our lives. But don’t just take my word for it – try it for yourself and see.

Your essence contains your spirit.

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The spiritual life is…part of the human essence. It is a defining characteristic of human nature…without which human nature is not full human nature.

Abraham Maslow

 

We have all heard stories involving the triumph of the human spirit. In the UK, the annual Pride of Britain awards ceremony celebrates the remarkable achievements of individuals who have acted in ways that transcend the everyday. A poignant posthumous award in 2014 went to the magnificent Stephen Sutton who raised almost five million pounds for the Teenage Cancer Trust, even whilst he was dying from the disease. Hollywood makes blockbusters from true life tales such as 127 Hours, the story of how Aron Ralston amputated his own arm to free himself from a trapped boulder and certain death.

The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘spirit’ as ‘person’s animating principle or intelligence…person’s mental or moral nature; attitude or mood…courage, self-assertion, vivacity…state of mind.’ Stephen Hawking, himself no stranger to adversity, says: We are all different. There is no such thing as a standard or run-of-the-mill human being, but we share the same human spirit.

Spirit, then, is something intangible that we all possess. But do we all utilise it to our best advantage? Aron Ralston refused to let his accident prevent him from climbing mountains again; twenty-year old Chinese swimmer Lu Dong won gold in the 100m backstroke at the 2012 Paralympic Games, having had to launch herself into the race by clenching a towel in her teeth because she has no arms. These individuals are examples of what can be accomplished if we set our minds to it.

If, potentially, we’re all capable of courageous and inspiring acts, I’m curious about what drives some people to succeed, whilst others crumble, in the face of tough challenges. Worse, still (mostly for themselves), some people become bitter and mean-spirited as a result of unhappy life experiences.

Stephen Sutton exemplified the notion of spirit as a connection to something larger than you. Depending on your belief system, this can have religious connotations, but it doesn’t have to relate to faith. Susan Jeffers’ books refer to a ‘Higher’ versus a ‘Lower’ self; these concepts can be understood without reference to religion, perhaps as motivation through love as opposed to fear. It has been suggested that love and fear are our principle motivators; I, for one, can see how certain actions and behaviours can be construed as loving whereas others, even if appearing otherwise, can be attributed to fear.

Anger, for example, can be seen to have fear at its core. The perpetrator of the crimes against me was violent and intimidating, however he claimed to have been abused in children’s homes when young; it is possible to see that his anger developed as a defence mechanism in response to the fear such abuse would have engendered. (This does not excuse his, or anyone else’s, criminal behaviour, even if it explains it)

To say that the devastation my tormentor’s actions wreaked in my life left me broken is an understatement; there have been times when I felt beyond repair. Determination and a fighting spirit kept me going; cultivating a spiritual outlook was essential to my recovery from PTSD and facilitated the post-traumatic growth that stopped me from drowning in overwhelm. I believe that we all have access to an indefatigable inner resolve should we so desire. It is our essence, the very heart of who we are as humans. Adopting a more spiritual point of view, that is being able to acknowledge a bigger picture, keeps challenges in perspective and helps us to solve problems in the most constructive way.

Quite often it takes a traumatic event to jolt an individual into situation in which it becomes necessary to draw on our unlimited reserves of spirit. In the hero’s story this is known as the ‘inciting incident’, an occurrence that forces change in the hero’s familiar life. When all that you previously believed to be real has been obliterated, you have to make the choice whether to break down or break through. Anyone, however, is free to be guided by Thich Nhat Hanh’s assertion that ‘At any moment you have a choice that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it’.

Embodying your spirit leads to increased vitality; this has a positive effect on your appearance as well as your psyche. We can all bring to mind people who embody their spirit. They have an inner light that makes them attractive and dynamic. If you allow your spirit to guide you, you will become capable of expressing your highest and best self. This leads to increased satisfaction in life, and we all want that, don’t we?

Why acceptance is essential.

~ Louise ~ 1 Comment

Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.

William James

 It sounds simple enough, but there’s a difference between simply acknowledging what you’ve been through and accepting it 100%.

Victor Meldrew, a character in the British sitcom, One Foot in the Grave, had a catchphrase: I don’t believe it!

Do you ever find yourself exclaiming, ‘Unbelievable!’? (Usually about something you’d rather not have happened)

Of course, what is can’t be anything other than believable; but we can struggle to accept this fact. Non-acceptance of what is causes resistance, which can at best keep you stuck and at worst shroud you in denial.

It took me more than ten years (and six months of intensive CBT) to realise that I hadn’t accepted what I’d been through. I fully acknowledged the occurrence of the traumatic event, however there was an underlying sense of ‘this should never have happened’. My inability to get past the grotesqueness of my experience paralysed me; every time I recalled a memory associated with that time I literally shook my head in disbelief. I had been so terrified that my way of coping was to resist reality.

Working through those memories with a therapist helped me to process them; I realised that rather than put my life back to how it was pre-trauma (which was what I’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to do), I had alternatives. My therapist loaned me a copy of Stephen Joseph’s What Doesn’t Kill Us and I learned about the ‘shattered vase theory’:

When adversity strikes, people often feel that at least some part of them – be it their views of the world, their sense of themselves, their relationships – has been smashed. Some people try to put their lives back together exactly as they were. But like a vase which is held together by glue and sticky tape they remain fractured and vulnerable. In contrast, those who accept the breakage and build themselves anew become more resilient and open to new ways of living.

That made a lot of sense to me and I resolved to restore my life with what was available to me rather than trying to recover what was lost forever.

Adopting the concept of acceptance, then, makes life easier and opens our minds to solutions to the inevitable challenges that life will put on our path. But what about acceptance of the self? If we don’t accept ourselves, we can’t fully accept others; this leads to judgement and criticism. If you find yourself judging or criticising others, try reflecting on whether or not your annoyance is a projection of something you find unacceptable about yourself.

Western society is becoming increasingly obsessed with appearance, with regard to the physical as well as the psychological; everything has to look good. Advertisements for ‘anti-aging’ potions proliferate in the media; women, in particular, pay to be injected with poison in an effort to keep their faces wrinkle-free and endure other painful cosmetic procedures to attain the ‘perfect’ body.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make the best of what you’ve got as long as you know where to draw the line; it’s when people go to extremes to achieve ‘beauty’ or maintain a youthful image that I start to wonder what’s really motivating them. It can be because of a tendency to compare yourself with others, which is also a rejection of who you are. You can only compare like with like; we are all unique, therefore can’t possibly make valid comparisons of ourselves with other people.

Everybody ages, no matter how hard they try to prevent it. And we are all fallible. These are universal givens of life, part of the human condition: to oppose our human reality is deluded, to say the least, and it ultimately victimises us. Fear is then telling the story, and fear-driven stories are limiting.

I know people whose lives are success stories according to society’s norms – a builder, an accountant, a journalist – but who drink to the extent that the term ‘alcoholic’ is applicable. I’ve put away more than my fair share of booze in the past, and know that I drank to self-medicate; alcohol numbed the emotional pain that I couldn’t bear to feel and that I’d hidden deep inside. I can’t say whether the alcoholics I know drink for the same reason, but it’s safe to assume that anyone who anaesthetises themselves in this way is trying to escape some part of their reality. In this way, material achievements become meaningless.

The way things appear, then, can often belie reality. Are you wearing a mask, telling a cover-story that is suffocating your truth? Practicing acceptance helps you start to reconnect with your essential self, where it’s okay to be exactly who you are. If you can reach a state of approval of yourself, others’ opinions of you become insignificant. When your essential nature takes centre stage, you can impact the world in a positive way.

Why self-care is essential.

~ Louise ~ 1 Comment

It is essential that we nourish our inner worlds so that we can remain connected to our natural creative impulses.

Katie Rose

 

Self-care is a necessary element to transforming a victim story and reconnecting you with your essence. Eating well and making sure you exercise are important, however I am talking here about behaviours and activities that nurture your psyche rather than your body (although your body also benefits).

Most of our time and energy goes into the day-to-day demands of earning a living and achieving what our societies and conditioning deem as success. When we don’t meet the standards imposed on us by these external ‘authorities’, we can be unnecessarily hard on ourselves. The trouble is, putting pressure on ourselves to do more, and better, can be counter-productive; this is how people end up stressed and burnt-out. This stress and burn-out is amplified if your emotional health isn’t robust.

My attempts to conform to society’s norms contributed to my developing PTSD; rather than make my health a priority, I focused on what I had to do to be acceptable according to cultural criteria, the result being that my recovery has taken longer than it might otherwise have done.

There were several practices, however, that I started in the early days following my escape from my tormentor that I have maintained over a number of years. One, in particular, that I heartily recommend is keeping a journal.

I came to journaling after a friend suggested I work through Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way in order to deal with the shock that overwhelmed me after being held against my will and sustaining systematic abuse over an intense six-week period. The fall-out from my ordeal was intolerable and I was struggling to keep myself together.

The Artist’s Way is a twelve week course that professes to help readers recover their creative selves, but for me it achieved so much more than that. It kick-started the journaling practice that has kept me sane, helped me to uncover who I really am, develop my intuition and gain wisdom from my experiences. The insights I realise when journaling are never-ending; it is a master-tool for anyone interested in attaining personal growth.

Julia refers to the practice as morning pages and the instructions couldn’t be simpler: every day, as soon as you wake up, write three pages of whatever is in your head (stream-of-consciousness), longhand.  Spelling and grammar are unimportant; the objective is ‘the act of moving the hand across the page… Nothing is too petty, too silly, too stupid or too weird to be included.’  Morning pages are meant for your eyes only and as such you are free to vent without restraint.

Research carried out in the USA by Dr. James Pennebaker has demonstrated the beneficial impact on health after writing about emotional upheaval (he suggests talking about your concerns into a voice recorder if you’re not keen on writing); I can vouch for Dr. Pennebaker’s findings and encourage you to try out journaling for yourself!

[N.B. Be aware of rumination when writing about upsetting events. Dr. Pennebaker advocates writing for no more than four days in a row about specific traumas. If you write often, focus on solutions and problem solving to gain maximum benefit from your practice]

Another self-nurturing practice is walking in nature. My favourite nature walks are by the sea; I live within 15 miles of the East Anglian coast and walking there helped to disperse the adrenaline that flooded my body as a consequence of constantly being on ‘high-alert’ (a symptom of PTSD); without it I believe I could have developed more serious health problems. Research in Japan and Finland, furthermore, shows that walking in the woods (called ‘forest bathing’ in Japan) reduces stress and enhances the immune system.

Other known self-care activities include making time for a long, luxurious soak in the bath, practicing relaxation, meditation and mindfulness and taking up yoga or tai chi (all of which I can recommend). Experiment to see what works for you; you’ll know when you’ve found an effective self-care pastime because, whilst engaged in it, you will feel peace and contentment at a deep level. When you can get yourself into an optimal state like this you are connected with your essence, which is the opposite of feeling victimised by life. Acting from this position of inner strength enables you to make rewarding life choices

An affirmation suggested by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way is:

Treating myself like a precious object makes me strong.

It’s a mantra that has served me well; let it nourish and strengthen you, too.

Evaluating the experiences and relationships that have helped shape your life is essential.

~ Louise ~ Leave a comment

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya Angelou

 

In fiction, the back story helps readers to understand character motivation. The same can be said of real life – our worldview is influenced by what has gone before. Our understanding of the connection between mind and body is growing; it is increasingly recognised that emotional and psychological states influence physical health. Therefore it makes sense to review your ‘back’ story because it could be affecting how you are in the present, on emotional and physical levels.

There is a fine line between leaving the past where it is and needing to assess it. Only you can decide whether or not the events that you have swept under your proverbial carpet have amalgamated into a mountain that is harder to scale than Mount Everest. If your life is not moving in a direction that pleases you, perhaps it’s time to take a look in the rear-view mirror to see what’s dragging along behind you, slowing you down.

Courage is required to take a searching, non-judgemental, non-critical inventory of your life. The objective is to identify what might be, at best, stopping you from achieving happiness and success, and at worst causing you ill health. (N.B: It is worth bearing in mind that some people need professional help to come to terms with their past. If you are one of those people, do not hesitate to seek support).

See if you can step outside of your life and look at it from the point of view of a detached observer, someone who is simply witnessing what has transpired up until now. Some questions that can help you to uncover memories include:

  • What are your earliest recollections?
  • How would you describe your family (and other) relationships as you grew up?
  • How would family members, friends, teachers etc. from your early life describe you? Are their perceptions accurate?
  • What are the times of your life that make you the most proud? Not so proud?
  • Describe the place where you grew up. What, if any, effect did your environment have on the way your life has so far turned out?
  • What world events can you recall that made an impression on your younger self?

Answering these questions honestly may make you feel uncomfortable, but unless you own what has brought you to this point you could find your wheels spinning in the same old patch of mud. As far as owning up to mistakes goes, I’m a leading contender for the award for Most Catastrophic Blunder EVER. I became spellbound by an abuser who was so dangerous he was the subject of Multi-Agency Public Protection Awareness meetings. Luckily I lived to tell the tale.

Everybody makes mistakes. I read a quote suggesting that anyone who denies this is deluding themselves – or not ‘living’ at all, merely existing. Mistakes do not define us; what we learn from them does, especially if we turn our knowledge into wisdom that we can then apply in our lives. And, of course, a life review can help you to ascertain what has worked for you, what you would like to have more of in your life.

Taking stock of your life means, too, that you can stop hiding behind ways of being that are not true for you. We often present ourselves according to how we think we ought to be, as dictated by convention, rather than how we really are. People-pleasing can be risky, as I found out to my cost. Arianna Huffington points out that, ‘Our essential self gets buried in the need for approval’; in this way, we sabotage ourselves as we’re not acting with integrity.

Melody Beattie, in The Language of Letting Go says: It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.

Candidly, and objectively, appraising your life story so far, then, affords you the opportunity to make peace with your past and allows your essential self to start to shine. If you become aware of habits and influences that are unhelpful you can eliminate them and replace them with constructive practices and attitudes. Then you are making conscious choices from a place of clarity and you can start to live the story you want for yourself.

It is essential to take responsibility for the story of your life.

~ Louise ~ 1 Comment

The lifestyle of a victim or martyr does not allow for the serene enjoyment of well-being. 

David Richo, Shadow Dance.

 

You may not consider yourself a victim, or a martyr, but if you find that you:

  • Consistently focus on what is wrong in the world
  • Move from one drama or crisis to another
  • Blame, complain and criticise more often than not
  • Are a passive observer rather than an active participant in your life
  • Believe that you have little to feel grateful for
  • Look to other people for validation of your self

it’s likely that your psyche’s been hijacked, to some extent, by victim mentality. If you can honestly say that you’re happy, or at least contented, with your life then you need read no further.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself constantly envying others, or wishing ‘If only…’ then it’s probable that you’re stuck in a victim story. I know quite a bit about those, having been the archetypal victim for most of my life.

Of course, when we’re children we don’t have much say about what happens to us; most of us endure unpleasant experiences. If we’ve had adequate nurturing, we might mature sufficiently to process those experiences so that they don’t impact negatively on our adult lives. But what if, as was certainly the case for me, our emotional development is thwarted by the circumstances we are forced to endure as children? We then grow up to look like adults, but the wounded-child part of our psyche loiters in our subconscious, slyly directing our actions so that things never quite work out as we wish. Even if, on the face of it, our lives appear to be satisfactory, constantly comparing our lot unfavourably with that of others suggests that there’s room for improvement.

As Karen Casey, in Timeless Wisdom, points out: When we were young, our parents and siblings served as our teachers, but they weren’t always good ones. We may have learned habits that haunt us still… We can come to believe those teachers did their best. They passed on to us what they had been taught… [we can] discard behaviours that serve us no more and cultivate ones that do.

A good place to start is with some honest, neutral self-reflection (impartiality is essential – beating yourself up will get you nowhere). Socrates claimed that ‘The unexamined life is not worth living’: it’s safe to say that after suffering what my local Women’s Refuge deemed to be ‘dangerous’ levels of abuse during six weeks on the run with a psychopath, I needed to take a long, enquiring look at my life. I’d been desperate to be rescued during those six weeks, but ultimately I had to save myself. The story of my ordeal and recovery is too vast to fit into one blog post; it’s been an epic quest for which I’m still writing the ending.

Personal (and post-traumatic) growth has been instrumental in helping me reclaim my life. I’ve learned to recognise when I’m sliding back into victim consciousness and can now take steps to empower myself when that happens.

Caroline Myss, in Sacred Contracts, claims that we all possess a ‘Victim archetype’. It is triggered when we are in situations where we feel inferior and its role is to help us to develop self-worth. A question Myss suggests asking when your victim archetype is triggered is: ‘I am committed to my own empowerment. What choices can I make here that will serve my own empowerment?’

Another way of challenging victim mentality is put forward by life coach Martha Beck. If you find yourself asking ‘Why is this happening to me?’ an objective, inquiring approach is more constructive than a self-pitying one. Because the effects of the challenges in our lives are largely determined by how we respond to them.

In Unexpected Miracles: The Gift of Synchronicity and How to Open It, David Richo asserts that asking what you did to deserve misfortune is less effective than telling yourself ‘This is not about what I did. This is about what I am called to be’. I’m inclined to agree with him. I’m called to be all that I’m capable of being; how about you?

 

Our lives are essentially our stories

~ Louise ~ 1 Comment

No matter what you do in your life, what you create, what career you have…your greatest creation is always going to be your life’s story. Jonathan Harris

All human beings instinctively tell stories – stories help us to understand ourselves, each other and the experiences we have in our lives. We also share stories to entertain and inform.

Everyone we encounter can recount stories of love, loss, laughter, heartache, courage… As C.S. Lewis said: ‘We meet no ordinary people in our lives.’

We tell stories to define ourselves. When we want others to know who we are, we share anecdotes about our backgrounds and families, about our accomplishments in life. We can do this to help others, or to promote ourselves in the best light possible.

Our stories intertwine with those of our families, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Each smaller story weaves into the larger narrative that makes up our world. I believe that by attending to our individual stories we can impact the world in a positive way.

But how much attention do we give to creating our own stories? Or are they dictated by others’ expectations of how we should be living our lives?

Carol Pearson, in What Story Are You Living? says, ‘Your life story is the tale that you repeatedly tell yourself about who you are, what you want, what you can and cannot do.’

Are the stories you tell about yourself tales that allow you to see the potential in your life, or do they limit you? Were you, when growing up, encouraged to be all that you can be, or were you told that life is a certain way and that you have to fit in?

If it’s the latter, I’m guessing you might sometimes feel trapped in a repetitive cycle of drama, disappointment and disillusion. Do you find yourself pointing the finger of blame, constantly complaining that ‘Things would be different if only…’? Or do you distract yourself by getting caught up in other people’s stories, thinking that you know what’s good for your mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter?

If you were the main character in a book, play or film, how do you think your reader or audience would feel about the way your life is going? Would they describe you as inspirational, living a meaningful life – or would they feel disheartened by what they behold?

Brene Brown, in The Gifts of Imperfection, suggests that ‘Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it’. She points out that if we take charge of our story then we decide how it ends.

To put it another way: Freedom begins the moment you realise someone else has been writing your story… it’s time you took the pen from his hand and started writing it yourself (Bill Moyes).

For the first half of my life I wasn’t the one writing my script. Because of that I ended up like Persephone, dragged into a murky, oppressive underworld. I lived through a terrifying psychological thriller that I was lucky to escape. My life story could so easily have been that of the perpetual victim, but I determined not to let that happen.

So if you ever find yourself saying, ‘That’s the story of my life…’ stick with me. I can help you digest your life experiences so that history doesn’t keep repeating itself. I can show you how to be the main character in your own, revolutionised, story, rather than a minor character in someone else’s.